Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
