She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
