if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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