just tell him i said nine months
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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