i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
