does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
