I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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