Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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