My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
