literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He better not be in your backpack
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
