He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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