She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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