we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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