How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
