did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
