you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
