I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
