I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
