So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
