it was like his penis was on wheels.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
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ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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