3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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