i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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