I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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