how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
