I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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