I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
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He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
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Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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