my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
