my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
