You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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