We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
