Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
