...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
