I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
