the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
