who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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