my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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