my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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