I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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