Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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