haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
