I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
