Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
