Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize