Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
