Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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