she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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