When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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