Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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