Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
