just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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