I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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