I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
