Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
